The New Me

I know it's been a while since I've posted anything. I've been going through a transformation of sorts; like a caterpillar that transforms into a butterfly. At least I hope this transformation means that I become something better than I was. In the last 12 weeks I've gone from pregnant wife to mother of one. It's a pretty profound transformation.

The lyrics from a Sheryl Crow song says it well, "No one said it would be easy, but no one said it'd be this hard." I knew that motherhood wasn't easy, but I really didn't expect it to be as hard as it was for me the first few weeks. I had been warned that the hormonal changes after giving birth can be hard, but I figured I would be able to handle things okay if I was prepared for it. But I know now that there's no way to prepare for all the emotions that go through you when you get your baby home and realize that you have no idea what you're doing, but you better do it right because this helpless little human is counting on you.

I had also been warned that the third day was the hardest. I can now testify that that is the gospel truth. My third day coincided with my milk coming in, my not having caught on with the whole nursing thing, my son having not eaten or had a messy diaper for about 12 hours and a doctor appointment to check his bilirubin level. I began crying as I started to get ready for the doctor appointment and I didn't stop until I was all cried out at the end of the night. I cried when we were driving to the doctor's office. I cried as I called the clinic to find out his bilirubin count. I cried when they told me his bilirubin count. I cried as I checked in with the receptionist at the doctor's office. I cried as I tried to fill out paperwork in the doctor's office. I cried as we stood in the exam room at the doctor's office (I had to stand because the chairs were wood and it hurt to sit). I cried through the whole exam as the doctor told us that his bilirubin was so high that he needed to be put on lights immediately and that I needed to make sure he ate every two hours no matter what. I cried because I should have already known that he needed to eat every 2-3 hours - even if he'd rather sleep. I cried when the nurse came to tell us that a light table would be delivered to our home in the next few hours. I cried when the nurse gave me a hug and told me things would be okay. I cried because I knew things would be okay, but I couldn't get myself to stop crying. I cried when we left the doctor's office because I couldn't decide where we should go to get a quick lunch. I cried when we got home and I tried to nurse my son and he just wouldn't latch on. I cried when I had to figure out how to use my breast pump. I cried while my son was given a blessing. I cried when my mom called me. I cried when my sister called me. I cried when they both came over to see if I was okay. By the end of the night I didn't have any tears left and my eyes were so puffy I looked like I had some kind of allergic reaction to something. The next few days got slowly easier. I had better control of my emotions and my son's health improved. He was able to be taken off the lights after two days and he started nursing shortly after that.

It took a few weeks to get on a schedule and figure out my new life. My son is thriving and I love to spend time with him. Even as I type this he's cooing and talking and is as happy as can be. He's so chubby now it's hard to remember how little he used to be. I've gone back to work part time until the rest of my FMLA leave runs out. And my new life is good.

I guess what I really want to say is that I have a whole new appreciation for all those mothers out there. You make it look so easy. And I just pray everyday that I can be the best mom I can be for my son. The transformation will continue, I'm still learning.

Now, for the important part - cute pictures of my little boy!

These are pictures from the baby blessing, he was about one month old.

 Pictures of him at 2 months old. He's a lot more smiley now - so cute!