About 2010

I know what you're thinking: "It's about time!"

This blog has been woefully neglected for pretty much a year, but I hope that will all change. At least I've changed.

I have to be honest, 2010 was not my best year. I started out the year with high hopes, but then the realization that I would be turning 30 moved in and stuck around until way after the candles had been blown out.

I felt like a failure. I felt like I turned 30 with absolutely nothing to show for it. No bachelor's degree, no real career, no money, and worst of all, no children.

I lived my day to day life, but I didn't enjoy it. I lost my will to do anything productive like crafting, cleaning my house, and blogging. I guess I just didn't see the point anymore. I felt like I had nothing good to say so I stuck with the photos of specific events that happened - if I was lucky to remember to take photos.

I know, this is really depressing, but that's how I felt for a long time. It wasn't until the fall that I started to feel better about things. Jonathan was closer than ever to finishing school and I finally decided to make some decisions about our infertility.

Oh, did I mention I'm infertile? You may have already guessed that, but I'm making it official. Jonathan and I had been trying for about 3 years to get pregnant, but it just wasn't happening. And I was frustrated with the doctor's explanations because all they would say is, "everything looks normal." Not really what you want to hear after years of unsuccessfully trying to have a baby.

So we decided we would see a specialist. I think that is what really made the difference for me. Instead of just hoping and trying and praying and hoping and trying and praying, we were doing more. After talking to the doctor we formulated a plan. The doctor put me back on clomid for 3 months. I wasn't hopeful about it working since I had already tried it, but it was the first step. We also decided the next step if the clomid didn't work, and in case nothing worked, we started investigating foster care. It was time for us to do something about becoming parents.

The plan made me feel like I was in control of my life and brought me out of my funk. We started taking the foster care classes in December and that made us feel good too. We liked the idea of helping kids who really need help and being a positive influence in their life, as opposed to adopting a newborn infant. Things were working out according to plan, or so we thought.

The foster care classes forced us to make major changes to our home. The second bedroom in our home had become the catch all for everything office-y and crafty, and it was FULL! So I took some time off work the week of Christmas and we got down to the business of cleaning out the room and getting rid of a lot of stuff. The day of our last foster care class was one of our major cleaning days. It also happened to be a day or two past my normal cycle. So I took a pregnancy test, just like I had a thousand times before.

This time was different.

I stood there and watched as a faint line showed up next to the much darker control line. This was new. I had never seen a pregnancy test look like this before. So I got Jonathan to inspect it with me. I got more and more excited thinking that it might actually be positive, but it was hard to interpret, and Jonathan was skeptical about the results. He also didn't want me to get my hopes up too much in case it was a false positive. So I took another test - you know, cause I buy them in bulk - and it was pretty much the same - dang those dollar store pregnancy tests! Then we decided that we would stop at the store after our class and get one of the expensive digital tests so we would know FOR SURE. All night long I couldn't stop thinking that I might actually be pregnant, it was really hard to concentrate in the class. But the class let out and we were able to get the digital test and hurry home to take it.

This test took much longer to get the results and it was agony. But then something magical happened: the word "Pregnant" appeared. I couldn't stop smiling, like a huge, goofy, uncontrollable kind of smile. Jonathan just said, "I can't believe it says you're pregnant." He was sort of dumbfounded about it. But he still wanted to be extra sure so the next day I called the doctor's office to see if they could do any kind of more accurate testing. They told me that they usually accept the home pregnancy test as being accurate and scheduled me for an appointment in the 8 week range of my pregnancy.

We were still so shocked at being pregnant that we didn't want to tell anyone for fear of jinxing it, and because miscarriage was a total possibility. So we waited. All through Christmas and New Years we waited to tell anyone. I had my first appointment and everything pointed to the fact that I was pregnant. Since I had been on clomid the doctor ordered an ultrasound to find out if we were having multiples. Having that ultrasound was the most amazing and comforting feeling. Being able to see that there was, in fact, a baby (only one baby) inside me and the baby did have a heartbeat, it was amazing.

The weekend after the ultrasound was my mother's birthday so that's when we told the family. I bought a picture frame for each set of parents and put a paper inside that said something like "Baby Saluone's photo goes here: Due date August 23, 2011." It was great to see the tears and surprise and happiness from everyone's reaction. It's still surprising to me sometimes.

So 2010 turned out to be not quite as bad as I first thought. And really, I wasn't seriously depressed - no medication required! But it was a hard year, and one I hope I will never forget. It was the year that I realized that I didn't need a whole list of accomplishments to feel good about my life. I was blessed in so many ways, a loving and caring husband, a good and stable job, a home of my own, loving family and friends, knowledge of the gospel, a calling in the primary, the list goes on and on. And it was the year I found out that we were finally going to be the parents of a baby of our very own making.

So, Hello 2011! You promise to be quite a year.

And by the way, we are still finishing the foster care process. We will just have a lot more to think about when they call to place us with one or two children. When the time comes, the Lord will help us decide.